| It is very discouraging to not be the person you thought you were. Especially when it hurts those around you. And the worst part is, they can leave you and ignore you, and be done with it, but you can't run from yourself, so you're just left to painfully try to make sense of everything and fix it. And then to supplement the pain, the shame that comes from not only facing my actions, but the hipocrisy of having judged or even tryng to point out flaws in other's characters, when there are so many in my own.
The beautiful, and only redeeming factor, really, is the chance for learning and self improvement that comes from making mistakes, acknowledging them, and trying to rectify them- in essence being honest with yourself. At first it is very difficult, but it becomes easier with time, and the tears are only sprinkled every now and then instead of a constant torrent. If God has been so good to me, forgiving me when I couldn't forgive myself, loving me when I couldn't love myself, the only option for life in the aftermath, then, is to "choose joy", as I read in Isaiah yesterday, because all of life, not just the blessings in it, are part of His plan for you and your life. And a life lived by yourself not completely knowing yourself can't be productive, or conducive to the good that you can do, and the good that is still a part of you, so there is no choice but to face yourself and force yourself to change not just to make up for mistakes, but to have a life worthy of living because you learn throughout it and build upon the knowledge. Some people have shown to me what I'm learning and hoping to be through all this, and that is to be a person who is not judgemental, and forgiving. All things that I thought, or I assumed, that I was, but as I look into my past more and more carefully- especially with the therapist (another venue I have become astonishingly fond of despite my initial hesitation because it really does force you to be accountable and honest with yourself and your thinking)- I realize that I am not truly any of those, not with myself and not with others, or at least to the extent where you can truly help and aid people. I believed that I was non-judgemental, but I think in the smug comfort of thinking that I had no big vices or faults, I impulsively judged regardless. But who am I, who is as fallen as the next, to judge anyone else? And how does judging aid, either indirectly or directly, towards a better way of life, a walk with God-no, it hurts, or angers, and basically turns people away. I always claim that I love people, but how much do I really love if my judgement will eventually turn them away? If I really loved people, I would do the polar opposite, love them, which would bring them nearer.
I also claimed to be a forgiving person. Based on the previous discernment that I am not completely non-judgemental, then logically speaking I can not be forgiving either. When we judge someone, in a sense we are filled with disgust or anger towards them, which drives out any love for them, which consequently makes forgiveness impossible. I should forgive others, for practically speaking, eventually a time will come when as a human, I too will want to be forgiven for a mistake, as is the case now- but more importantly, it is an emulation of Christ who forgave all. I can recall in my past when I have not been forgiving, and it is just now that I am able to fully realize that I was not, I was not taking some kind of moral high ground, as I thought I was, but in a sense, I was being very hateful. There is one person, in particurlar, that recently I became very hurt and angry with, but at the same time conflicted because of all the memories I had with them, all of the faith I had in them, everything I admired in them, and the fact that they are a part of my family. I was filled with disgust, pain, and an incredible anger towards them. I refused to forgive them, later I thought I had, but I discovered that I still had hate towards them, and therefore had not fogiven them. True forgiveness, in a sense, is to choose to live a life devoid of hate. I believe that I have reached the point where I am able to fully forgive them, and hopefully will be able to communicate it, and then I will be through with it.
Throughout some of my struggles I have been blessed with a few wonderful people who really are not judgemental and forgiving, I was throughly ashamed for ever thinking that I was like them, but simultaneously inspired to hopefully be like them one day. That will be my summer's journey. |
